My dear friend Carolyn is slipping away. Saw her last Sunday and she was sitting on the couch, had some make-up on and smiled. Told her several people asked about her and that made her smile. She was looking a bit jaundice and now as of Friday her complexion is getting more yellow. Starting to retain water now and losing more weight, not forming words,etc.
I just pray that God will take her home soon. Bruce is starting to wear down also now.
A is being stubborn and hurting herself as she is not drinking enough water and not eating. Been telling her that she needs to drink more, really ever since I got her have been after her to drink water now it is catching up with her as she has a UTI, and dehydrated and the back pain is her kidneys hurting. She won't do what any of us are asking her to do she is sabbatoging her health. I find myself not having much compassion for her as she is not helping herself. She has medication she can take to help settle her stomach so she can eat but she refuses, chooses to lay in bed and complain.
Went to bed last night and wept. Wept for my friend and for myself. So trying to have faith that God is going to release my finances and not let me lose my home or my truck. Played several scenes over in my head about being a homeless person or how could I walk away from everything and live off the earth. Sounds funny doesn't it. The reality of this is around the corner if God does not send more kids to the Bair office and place one with me and allow me to find a part time job. Did not think I would be in this situation again, thought I would have enough money to pay my bills and have some to take the kids out and do things with them but since I don't have my part time job at RGMG as of this writing I am in a world of hurt.
I feel I am suppose to be a foster parent but maybe I missed the mark. My thought is I will try to work full time, rent my spare bedroom and go through CYFD, regular foster care. I will need to rent a room as I don't think I will start off at a high rate of pay like I was getting at RGMG so will need enough money to pay my bills.
Good night and be blessed
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The End of The Day
Not the end of the day as of yet, just thought I would add a line or two since I have not written anything in a long time. Rought going with my foster daughter there for awhile, she decided she wanted to start smoking the weed again and popping whatever she could get her hands on for free so streeful days not knowing if she was going back to jail or back to rehab. Probabtion officer did put her in jail over the week-end in May for being positive for marijuana and pcp.
Her attitiude is so what. Unless she wants to quit we can't help her.
She has been with me a year now, that is progress as she has run within months of being placed in other foster homes.
I myself am trying not to worry about finances, looking for a part time job, praying that I can get another child but none are coming in, that is a hoot as when I signed up several people kept telling me that there are so many kids and not enough parents, well are parents are going back to job hunting full time as we are not getting the kids in and this is where I am I may have to go back to work somewhere full time, won't make what I was so don't know if I will lose my home or not or be able to keep the bills up.
Wish I knew that were was a lack of kids before I quit my full time good paying job.
Her attitiude is so what. Unless she wants to quit we can't help her.
She has been with me a year now, that is progress as she has run within months of being placed in other foster homes.
I myself am trying not to worry about finances, looking for a part time job, praying that I can get another child but none are coming in, that is a hoot as when I signed up several people kept telling me that there are so many kids and not enough parents, well are parents are going back to job hunting full time as we are not getting the kids in and this is where I am I may have to go back to work somewhere full time, won't make what I was so don't know if I will lose my home or not or be able to keep the bills up.
Wish I knew that were was a lack of kids before I quit my full time good paying job.
Monday, May 10, 2010
The End of The Day
Well I am at a loss for words for my foster daughter. She still is doing things to get into trouble and she knows full well that it is the end of the line for her if she gets caught using and or having a dirty urine test.
I am now escorting her to and from class until the end of school, thank good ness it is for only two weeks. No gratitude for anything I do, I wonder if other kids treat their parents like Ashley treats me? Not even a Happy Foster Parent Day from her.
Today was a intersting day. I think she took something from a kid at school then pop it in her mouth, but of course she denied it. Then tonight yelling and using the F word at me, then stormed off to her room. She calls her social worker and tells her that she doesn't like all these rules but she won't take any responsibility for her actions, she has brought all this upon herself and she does not see this. How do you make her see it.
Goodnight and be blessed
I am now escorting her to and from class until the end of school, thank good ness it is for only two weeks. No gratitude for anything I do, I wonder if other kids treat their parents like Ashley treats me? Not even a Happy Foster Parent Day from her.
Today was a intersting day. I think she took something from a kid at school then pop it in her mouth, but of course she denied it. Then tonight yelling and using the F word at me, then stormed off to her room. She calls her social worker and tells her that she doesn't like all these rules but she won't take any responsibility for her actions, she has brought all this upon herself and she does not see this. How do you make her see it.
Goodnight and be blessed
Friday, May 7, 2010
The End of The Day
I'm helping someone who does not want to help herself. When do you know when to give up? I know A is only 17 and may not have the ability to know the difference and how to say NO but then I say to myself she knows full well what she is doing.
I finally looked up and let God take full charge of my life and my healing. I know this is what A needs but she has not confessed her sins and accepted Him into her heart so until she does, and she knows she needs to, it will be hard for her to give up the using.
My emotions are all over the place. I am scared for her. I don't want her to fail, I want to do what I can, but she needs to do things for herself also for me to continue giving 100%.
The Jackson's got moved in next door on the first and all went well. Carolyn was wiped out but rested. Did not make it to church Sunday but that's OK. Have tried to help her un-pack but just have not been able, plus Carolyn and Bruce have not been home and or they are napping.
I just pray that my friend does not suffer.
I see the door to the old house clearer and clearer in my mind. I do not want to open it as I know what is behind it,filth,vulgarities,fear,sadness, do I need to go on. I hear the screams coming out from that house but can't go near it, not now.
Good night and be blessed.
I finally looked up and let God take full charge of my life and my healing. I know this is what A needs but she has not confessed her sins and accepted Him into her heart so until she does, and she knows she needs to, it will be hard for her to give up the using.
My emotions are all over the place. I am scared for her. I don't want her to fail, I want to do what I can, but she needs to do things for herself also for me to continue giving 100%.
The Jackson's got moved in next door on the first and all went well. Carolyn was wiped out but rested. Did not make it to church Sunday but that's OK. Have tried to help her un-pack but just have not been able, plus Carolyn and Bruce have not been home and or they are napping.
I just pray that my friend does not suffer.
I see the door to the old house clearer and clearer in my mind. I do not want to open it as I know what is behind it,filth,vulgarities,fear,sadness, do I need to go on. I hear the screams coming out from that house but can't go near it, not now.
Good night and be blessed.
Monday, April 26, 2010
The End of The Day
Nothing like a hard day of work be it physical or just plain busy doing errands. Love being outside doing yard work, the sun in your face, getting dirty and sweaty. Your hands hurt from the shovel or the rake or the pruning shears, whatever your tool or tools of choice. The kicker is my hip and knee and of course the back can't take much of this over a long period of time so have to take several breaks but I eventually get things done.
Thinking today about this foster care. I may end up going back to work and changing companies to the CYFD agency which is regular foster care as treatment care, at least with the Bair Foundation is becoming like a prison. They say line of sight 24/7 which I understand out in the open, but at your own home having to follow the kids everywhere and not being able to go outside without them out with you. What if the kid does not want to go outside for an hour or so while you are doing the yard work, then you don't do it. How does it get done?
I seem frustrated but this just does not seem right. The parents need to get things done and some of us are single so it makes it hard. I have committed to keeping A until her treatments for a medical condition is over that will be when she is 18 so I'll see how things go over the next nine months and then decide.
I can't get writing out of my head but when I sit to write or type nothing comes out. I think of things all day to write about life about my life but I get stuck when it comes time to put pen to paper. I really want to write about my life and the lessons I have learned and hopefully help someone else. Maybe one day the writers block will go away.
Good night and be blessed
Thinking today about this foster care. I may end up going back to work and changing companies to the CYFD agency which is regular foster care as treatment care, at least with the Bair Foundation is becoming like a prison. They say line of sight 24/7 which I understand out in the open, but at your own home having to follow the kids everywhere and not being able to go outside without them out with you. What if the kid does not want to go outside for an hour or so while you are doing the yard work, then you don't do it. How does it get done?
I seem frustrated but this just does not seem right. The parents need to get things done and some of us are single so it makes it hard. I have committed to keeping A until her treatments for a medical condition is over that will be when she is 18 so I'll see how things go over the next nine months and then decide.
I can't get writing out of my head but when I sit to write or type nothing comes out. I think of things all day to write about life about my life but I get stuck when it comes time to put pen to paper. I really want to write about my life and the lessons I have learned and hopefully help someone else. Maybe one day the writers block will go away.
Good night and be blessed
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The End of The Day
"I have decided not to do anymore chemotherapy", my friend tells me on Saturday. I knew this would be sooner than later, I guess I was thinking,hoping it would not be this soon though. She says she feels better now that she has made a decesion. Why such a hard disease for her?
I have to be honest, I have thought it should be me. I have no kids to watch grow up, so therefore no grandkids, I have no husband to leave behind, my dad and Melba would probably follow close behind me in death, my brothers and sister would would miss me, I would hope but they would be happy that I would be with the Lord. My friend has a husband and kids and grandkids to watch live their lives,plus a husband who adores her, she should be the one to stay.
A is doing OK. Not sure if the problems she hasn't gotten herself in has had a impact on her yet. I pray that she will learn from this. Only she can help herself, I can try to steer her in the right direction, but it is ultimately up to her.
I so enjoy being outside working in the yard with my Grace beside me. A girl and her dog, what can be better than this. My Missy watches from the window as she will take off if not on a leash. I take her out sometimes and put her where she can see me and she just lies down and watches. She balances me and Grace.
Good night and be blessed.
I have to be honest, I have thought it should be me. I have no kids to watch grow up, so therefore no grandkids, I have no husband to leave behind, my dad and Melba would probably follow close behind me in death, my brothers and sister would would miss me, I would hope but they would be happy that I would be with the Lord. My friend has a husband and kids and grandkids to watch live their lives,plus a husband who adores her, she should be the one to stay.
A is doing OK. Not sure if the problems she hasn't gotten herself in has had a impact on her yet. I pray that she will learn from this. Only she can help herself, I can try to steer her in the right direction, but it is ultimately up to her.
I so enjoy being outside working in the yard with my Grace beside me. A girl and her dog, what can be better than this. My Missy watches from the window as she will take off if not on a leash. I take her out sometimes and put her where she can see me and she just lies down and watches. She balances me and Grace.
Good night and be blessed.
Friday, April 16, 2010
The End of The Day
My heart aches. I so want to be a positive influence in A's life but the way she is treating me and the things she is doing, I think she really just wants a bed and food. People tell me how much different I am from the other foster parents they come in contact with, that if A fells the program it won't be any fault of mine and this broke my heart also, as I figured we are all in this for one purpose, and that is to help these kids to the best of our ability.
The school personal tell me even "real" parents don't take as much interest in their own children as I do in A.
I was reminded the other day to cast all cares on HIM, which I have not been doing as much as I should. I know I can do nothing on my own. I learned this lesson a long time ago when I was going through my own therapy and healing. I've said this before once I let God take control things just fell into place.
I knew going into this new line of work that I would be taken advantage of, but it does hurt. I need to keep things in perspective.
Well my front yard is coming along. I finally got the cement ledge out. what a job that was. I thought I could just use a sledge hammer take the top 6" off then dig down a little way and pop out the footing, oh my what a job that was. The footing was a good 12-13" or more down. A friend of mine came over to help. Thank goodness for David.
Now what do I do with the yard? Am thinking of putting some gravel and keeping some grass for the dogs. Will rent a tiller in a few weeks take up the weeds and the little grass that I have there and start fresh with something. Anybody reading this, would like some ideas.
Am so missing my family back in Georgia. Am trying to get there in July.
The rain is coming. My hip and knee have been hurting all day. Only worked an hour or so outside today, just could not walk. Vicodin and a half plus some Motrin still hurting.
Good night and be blessed.
The school personal tell me even "real" parents don't take as much interest in their own children as I do in A.
I was reminded the other day to cast all cares on HIM, which I have not been doing as much as I should. I know I can do nothing on my own. I learned this lesson a long time ago when I was going through my own therapy and healing. I've said this before once I let God take control things just fell into place.
I knew going into this new line of work that I would be taken advantage of, but it does hurt. I need to keep things in perspective.
Well my front yard is coming along. I finally got the cement ledge out. what a job that was. I thought I could just use a sledge hammer take the top 6" off then dig down a little way and pop out the footing, oh my what a job that was. The footing was a good 12-13" or more down. A friend of mine came over to help. Thank goodness for David.
Now what do I do with the yard? Am thinking of putting some gravel and keeping some grass for the dogs. Will rent a tiller in a few weeks take up the weeds and the little grass that I have there and start fresh with something. Anybody reading this, would like some ideas.
Am so missing my family back in Georgia. Am trying to get there in July.
The rain is coming. My hip and knee have been hurting all day. Only worked an hour or so outside today, just could not walk. Vicodin and a half plus some Motrin still hurting.
Good night and be blessed.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
The End of The Day
In the light of day eveything seems to be ok,when the sun sets things seem to go dim. Don't know if I am in a slump or if it is the change in weather,probably a little of both.
A told me I did not care about her and that she is going to run. Told her there is the door, just go, don't sneak out in the middle of the night, be brave and do it in front of me, why set the alarm off. I am short with her she seems to be doing everything she can to get into trouble. I don't think she gets it that this is her last chance.
When I was in foster care I was there to get help, to better myself. Not saying that I didn't push the limits sometimes, but nothing like A is doing. She won't listen to anyone, just does her own thing.
Whe will she see the light? Maybe not for awhile. It took me awhile and I know people were getting frustrated with me so I need to remember where I once was and go with the flow.
I want to see her succeed and do good. Praying for a good outcome.
Good night and be blessed.
A told me I did not care about her and that she is going to run. Told her there is the door, just go, don't sneak out in the middle of the night, be brave and do it in front of me, why set the alarm off. I am short with her she seems to be doing everything she can to get into trouble. I don't think she gets it that this is her last chance.
When I was in foster care I was there to get help, to better myself. Not saying that I didn't push the limits sometimes, but nothing like A is doing. She won't listen to anyone, just does her own thing.
Whe will she see the light? Maybe not for awhile. It took me awhile and I know people were getting frustrated with me so I need to remember where I once was and go with the flow.
I want to see her succeed and do good. Praying for a good outcome.
Good night and be blessed.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
The End of The Day
Oh my what a day, what a week. I see a Y in the road, never thought I would see this again. Thoughts are running rampant. Can't seem to get them on one track.
I am tired of the struggles of life, I know there is going to be trials and tribulations but does it ever end?
The ocean is full of mysteries and life has it's mysteries and we won't figure them out until we are dead, but, who wants to wait until then, why can't we have a glimpse into the mysteries.
That's all. Good night and be blessed.
I am tired of the struggles of life, I know there is going to be trials and tribulations but does it ever end?
The ocean is full of mysteries and life has it's mysteries and we won't figure them out until we are dead, but, who wants to wait until then, why can't we have a glimpse into the mysteries.
That's all. Good night and be blessed.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
The End of The Day
On this path that Iam now on I am reminded that everything we do or say affects someone else in some way or another.
I hope my foster daughter gets this now, that she is on house arrest and how it is going to effect me. I knew this job was not going to be easy, I only pray that I can maintain my composure.
Good night and be blessed
I hope my foster daughter gets this now, that she is on house arrest and how it is going to effect me. I knew this job was not going to be easy, I only pray that I can maintain my composure.
Good night and be blessed
Sunday, April 4, 2010
The End of The Day
Our Lord has risen today!! Now words can really describe how I feel about this. My heart leaps for joy knowing what He did, yet saddened at the same time knowing what He had to go through so I might live.
If we could only remember this every day not just on this day. We were told today in church to let God turn our stony hearts into soft ones. I am so glad that I did that so many years ago. Oh my what a relief it was when my heart was soften. If we will open ourselves up to what God has for us life would be good.
I am thankful that I have God in my life especially now that I am a "parent" otherwise I would not be able to guide these children that God has placed in my home and will place in my home. I certainly need His wisdom every day on what to do and what to say.
Good night and be blessed.
If we could only remember this every day not just on this day. We were told today in church to let God turn our stony hearts into soft ones. I am so glad that I did that so many years ago. Oh my what a relief it was when my heart was soften. If we will open ourselves up to what God has for us life would be good.
I am thankful that I have God in my life especially now that I am a "parent" otherwise I would not be able to guide these children that God has placed in my home and will place in my home. I certainly need His wisdom every day on what to do and what to say.
Good night and be blessed.
Thursday, April 1, 2010
The End of The Day
Oh my what a day! What a few days! How does one regain anothers trust when it has been broken? A teenagers trust at that. I am frustrated at A's actions and I am trying to understand her thoughts in why she does what she does. I know it is hard being a teenager in foster care and having no freedom or at least very little of it. I guess I think because she knows there is a possibility of her going to prison if she breaks her probation or does anything wrong, there is a chance of a felony on her record, that she would think before she acts. She told us today that she did not think what she did would hurt anyone or that it would matter. Not sure I understand this statement and she could not explain it either.
I was told by her therapist to let her take slow steps in her recovery, I for one know this all too well. I am not or needing her to pour out her raw emotions to me, I do want her to be honest with me and give me the benefit of doubt that I will believe her.
Her actions are causing her consequences and those are making her upset but my hands are tied, I have to give them to her, otherwise how will she learn?
A friend told me the other day that it is not flesh and blood that we are fighting but it is principalities and powers and I have to admit I felt ashamed of myself as I blamed God for things that are happening right now, I went home and asked for His forgiveness. For the life of me I don't know why I thought God was putting all these things on my friends and why A is having such a hard time making the right choices. I have been praying and rebuking the enemy from A's life and my friends.
Am so glad that my God understands my weakness and my short comings.
Good night and be blessed.
I was told by her therapist to let her take slow steps in her recovery, I for one know this all too well. I am not or needing her to pour out her raw emotions to me, I do want her to be honest with me and give me the benefit of doubt that I will believe her.
Her actions are causing her consequences and those are making her upset but my hands are tied, I have to give them to her, otherwise how will she learn?
A friend told me the other day that it is not flesh and blood that we are fighting but it is principalities and powers and I have to admit I felt ashamed of myself as I blamed God for things that are happening right now, I went home and asked for His forgiveness. For the life of me I don't know why I thought God was putting all these things on my friends and why A is having such a hard time making the right choices. I have been praying and rebuking the enemy from A's life and my friends.
Am so glad that my God understands my weakness and my short comings.
Good night and be blessed.
Friday, March 26, 2010
The End of The Day
I heard this saying the other day and thought how true it is and that we all need to take it to heart and live by it."Everything has a life span,enjoy it while you can."
Whether or not we know when our time is up we need to make time for friends and family. Housework can wait, but friends and family don't.
Is one smart remark between you and someone worth a lifetime apart? Isn't life about relationships? How then do we heal from broken relationships? It is in letting our pride go and asking for forgiveness.
In fostering A I am trying to teach her these things, she seems to think she has all the answers and just won't listen to me. We are now in another sticky situation because she won't listen. I know there has to be alot of pent up emotions that she won't let go of and tries to talk herself into everything is allright, she keeps saying the past is the past we are living in the future now, no need to talk about anything.
I want to do things for her and with her but the loss of two part time jobs has put a wrench in this as there is no extra money to do little extra things. What a bummer. Will look for another part time job soon.
I really enjoy foster care and hope and pray that Iam doing the right thing. I still feel God's peace and I know He knows my money situation and if A has to do time He knows I need another kid for income. I am human so I have to say I do worry, then try to give it to Him.
Good night and be blessed.
Whether or not we know when our time is up we need to make time for friends and family. Housework can wait, but friends and family don't.
Is one smart remark between you and someone worth a lifetime apart? Isn't life about relationships? How then do we heal from broken relationships? It is in letting our pride go and asking for forgiveness.
In fostering A I am trying to teach her these things, she seems to think she has all the answers and just won't listen to me. We are now in another sticky situation because she won't listen. I know there has to be alot of pent up emotions that she won't let go of and tries to talk herself into everything is allright, she keeps saying the past is the past we are living in the future now, no need to talk about anything.
I want to do things for her and with her but the loss of two part time jobs has put a wrench in this as there is no extra money to do little extra things. What a bummer. Will look for another part time job soon.
I really enjoy foster care and hope and pray that Iam doing the right thing. I still feel God's peace and I know He knows my money situation and if A has to do time He knows I need another kid for income. I am human so I have to say I do worry, then try to give it to Him.
Good night and be blessed.
Monday, March 15, 2010
The End of The Day
On death and dying wish I did not have to write these words down, but un-fortunately they are in my vocabulary now. As I was thinking about my friend, I thought about the time many years ago when I was 17 and I had a severe asthma attack. I remember sitting on the edge of the bed waiting for the nurse to come in to start my IV and I had to go to the bathroom so bad that I, not sure how I made it to the bathroom but I did. I'm sitting on the pot and then I really can't breathe. I remember trying to hollar for help but had no air, I looked up and I saw this beast, hairy, smelly and had long finger nails. The eyes were dark and no expression I knew it was the devil.
I had been to church a little bit but never had accepted Jesus into my life but I knew about the devil and I figured my time was up. everything went black and I remember waking up back in the bed but oh so very cold, it was as though I was in an ice box. Several people around me all upset. My foster parents, my social worker and I think my foster brother was there. While in ICU they told me I had died. They had to use the defibrilator to get my heart going again.
Don't remember anything but being so very cold and of course losing my bladder and bowels. If that's not embarrassing I don't know what is.
Everyone at school treated my differently, like I was a miracle, maybe I was.
It's been a while since I thought about this wasn't ready to die back then, guess God had other plans. Now that I know Him I am ready to die whenever He says it is time. No fear as I know where I am going, to be with my heavenly father and sit at His feet and see my Mom again.
Be blessed and good night.
I had been to church a little bit but never had accepted Jesus into my life but I knew about the devil and I figured my time was up. everything went black and I remember waking up back in the bed but oh so very cold, it was as though I was in an ice box. Several people around me all upset. My foster parents, my social worker and I think my foster brother was there. While in ICU they told me I had died. They had to use the defibrilator to get my heart going again.
Don't remember anything but being so very cold and of course losing my bladder and bowels. If that's not embarrassing I don't know what is.
Everyone at school treated my differently, like I was a miracle, maybe I was.
It's been a while since I thought about this wasn't ready to die back then, guess God had other plans. Now that I know Him I am ready to die whenever He says it is time. No fear as I know where I am going, to be with my heavenly father and sit at His feet and see my Mom again.
Be blessed and good night.
Friday, March 12, 2010
The End of The Day
When we think about our life we need to think about others also. I can't even think of what Iwant to say, my mind is racing thinking about how I personally get upset easily when things don't go the way I think they should or as easy as it should. Today was one of those days then I think of my friend who is really sick and none of my frustrations seem to matter.
It's been a hard few weeks emotionally but I am committed in helping my friend get through what she is going through.
I won't lie I have quetioned God, I have been angry, I have cried, I 'm worried, my faith is wavering, I am not sure what to do, to say, to think, to feel.
I know my God is in control.
Be blessed and good night.
It's been a hard few weeks emotionally but I am committed in helping my friend get through what she is going through.
I won't lie I have quetioned God, I have been angry, I have cried, I 'm worried, my faith is wavering, I am not sure what to do, to say, to think, to feel.
I know my God is in control.
Be blessed and good night.
Monday, March 1, 2010
The End of The Day
I am back. Don't even know where to begin. Life has thrown a wrench into my thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. My sister closed the flower shop and a good friend of mine is sick. God has shown Himself to me though this past week right when I needed Him. I need to hold on and trust that God has everything under control.
Good night and blessings
Good night and blessings
Monday, February 15, 2010
Sunday, February 14, 2010
The End of The Day
I have been thinking alot about the Father's love lately. I think maybe it is because I am going through my journals and I am realizing how much I have overcome. I certainly did not do it on my own. I see A trying to keep all her emotions in and trying not to feel anything and I just can't believe that the things that have happened to her don't bother her. I am so grateful that I had people around me to help me get in touch with my emotions and to let me know that it was OK to feel negative ones and positive ones.
Anyway I am open to let His love come in and invade my heart yet once again.
Anyway I am open to let His love come in and invade my heart yet once again.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
The End of The Day
Do you ever ponder how you got to where you are? Does it bother you that you are where you are at this stage in your life? I can't believe that I am the only one who ponders these things. I guess I am traveling back in time in my mind because of my foster child. I find myself thinking of where I was and what I was doing at age 17yr. and I find myself being ok with my past but not being ok with my future if that makes sense. You know I really don't feel that I have accomplished anything, yes, I am doing a good deed in helping these kids and I really feel that I am doing what I am suppose to do at this time in my life but feel that I have wasted so much of my life. I wonder if that is why I struggle so much in life. Did I miss the mark? Did I not do what God really called me to do?
Be blessed and good night
Be blessed and good night
Saturday, January 30, 2010
The End of The Day
It has begun, the organizing of my life on paper. I read what I wrote so many years ago and I think what was I thinking? the problem is I really was not thinking, I was just "going through life". As I was reading some of the things I wrote they made me laugh, they made me tear up, but I did not get upset with my past. I know that I am forgiven and that I have released my abusers to God and I am whole again.
Another blogger wrote about us being whiter than snow because of the blood of Jesus and as I was growing up I always wanted to be a good "clean" girl but did not know how to go about it. Not that I was bad but just felt bad. One thing led to another and then boom everything blew up. I remember thinking that there was no light at the end of the tunnel but as the days, months and years went by I started to see a little light and of course now there surely is a Big Light at that end of the tunnel. The little child is white as snow.
Be blessed and good night.
Another blogger wrote about us being whiter than snow because of the blood of Jesus and as I was growing up I always wanted to be a good "clean" girl but did not know how to go about it. Not that I was bad but just felt bad. One thing led to another and then boom everything blew up. I remember thinking that there was no light at the end of the tunnel but as the days, months and years went by I started to see a little light and of course now there surely is a Big Light at that end of the tunnel. The little child is white as snow.
Be blessed and good night.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The End of The Day
Love having great friends, thanks Carolyn. The organization of my life has begun. What a undertaking but it needs to be done, hopefully it will help someone.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The End of The Day
When life hands you lemons do you make lemonade or do you pucker up? I have done both. I would rather make lemonade all the time but, because I am human I know this is not possible. Am getting better at not puckering up as often as I did so that's good. I am learning how to handle the "lemons" as I get older.
I do know it is because of Jesus and His compassion towards me. He so desperately wants to heal His children. Now that I am no longer a victim I see the hurt in people and want to make them get well but it has to be on their own terms and in their own time. I tell A this but she just looks at me, hopefully something is sinking in and her time with me with not be in vain.
Be blessed and good night
I do know it is because of Jesus and His compassion towards me. He so desperately wants to heal His children. Now that I am no longer a victim I see the hurt in people and want to make them get well but it has to be on their own terms and in their own time. I tell A this but she just looks at me, hopefully something is sinking in and her time with me with not be in vain.
Be blessed and good night
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The End of The Day
As I was praying the other day Tuesday I ask God to help me keep my heart clean, to keep it pure and to keep it soft. I had a memory of a few years back when I was at an Aglow meeting, I don't remember who the speaker was but, I do remember her asking us to shut our eyes and welcome Jesus into our hearts. She asked us to open the door to our hearts so that Jesus could walk in. I remember wanting to then I just got mad and said NO because of what was allowed to happen to me as a child so it was as if I was on the inside of my heart holding onto the door so no one could open it from either side.
I told Jesus Tuesday that I don't ever want to go back to that place again in my life and that I was thankful that I eventually opened that door and let Him soften my heart.
That morning also the neighbor behind me was getting his tree trimmed back and I thought about John 15:1-8. I prayed that I would not be one of those branches that were being cut from the tree. I wondered how many Christians are falling away, how many have not yet connected to the tree and how many are hanging on. I know that I so want to bear fruit and do good and have Jesus in me forever.
There is so much uncertainty in the world today that my prayer is that people will start to look up instead of just shrugging their shoulders and going on.
What makes a good parent? A said that I was not being a parent to her because I will not her "boy friend" come over during the week. She said other parents do and that her bio Mom when they lived together let her boyfriend come over. I certainly don't have any right answers but I do know that she needs structure and that she can't always get her way when she is not keeping up with her grades, so what is one to do.
I think back to when I was in foster care but I had no boy friend and had no girl friends either so I did not have anybody to ask over,and when I lived with my sister I would not dare ask to have a boy friend over as my brother-in-law would have had a fit. I wanted to but just kept who I liked at school to myself and only talked to him at school and invited no one to the house. Well ok two friends of mine would come over sometimes, Tracie and Sandra but not very often because of my brother-in-law.
I was always at Sandra's house and several times we would just take off walking and come home whenever. Not sure why she wanted to go but I just did not want to be at the house. What a mess back then. Thank God I was able to forgive the past and let it be in the past.
My friend photographed the masks I did and they came out great so hopefully when I get my life in order on paper these pictures will copy good. It is a bit intimidating knowing that maybe there will be a group of people reading and looking at pictures of your life. I wonder how I will feel once it is done. I know I need to do this. Even if one person reads it and forgives wholeheartedly and can move on then I know I did the right thing.
What an up hill battle one has once they take the first step to recovery. Baby steps at first then smaller steps then your walking then your sprinting and you finally get a glimpse of the finish line then one day you are running towards that finish line and eventually you cross over, YEA !!!!! What a feeling.
Be blessed and good night.
I told Jesus Tuesday that I don't ever want to go back to that place again in my life and that I was thankful that I eventually opened that door and let Him soften my heart.
That morning also the neighbor behind me was getting his tree trimmed back and I thought about John 15:1-8. I prayed that I would not be one of those branches that were being cut from the tree. I wondered how many Christians are falling away, how many have not yet connected to the tree and how many are hanging on. I know that I so want to bear fruit and do good and have Jesus in me forever.
There is so much uncertainty in the world today that my prayer is that people will start to look up instead of just shrugging their shoulders and going on.
What makes a good parent? A said that I was not being a parent to her because I will not her "boy friend" come over during the week. She said other parents do and that her bio Mom when they lived together let her boyfriend come over. I certainly don't have any right answers but I do know that she needs structure and that she can't always get her way when she is not keeping up with her grades, so what is one to do.
I think back to when I was in foster care but I had no boy friend and had no girl friends either so I did not have anybody to ask over,and when I lived with my sister I would not dare ask to have a boy friend over as my brother-in-law would have had a fit. I wanted to but just kept who I liked at school to myself and only talked to him at school and invited no one to the house. Well ok two friends of mine would come over sometimes, Tracie and Sandra but not very often because of my brother-in-law.
I was always at Sandra's house and several times we would just take off walking and come home whenever. Not sure why she wanted to go but I just did not want to be at the house. What a mess back then. Thank God I was able to forgive the past and let it be in the past.
My friend photographed the masks I did and they came out great so hopefully when I get my life in order on paper these pictures will copy good. It is a bit intimidating knowing that maybe there will be a group of people reading and looking at pictures of your life. I wonder how I will feel once it is done. I know I need to do this. Even if one person reads it and forgives wholeheartedly and can move on then I know I did the right thing.
What an up hill battle one has once they take the first step to recovery. Baby steps at first then smaller steps then your walking then your sprinting and you finally get a glimpse of the finish line then one day you are running towards that finish line and eventually you cross over, YEA !!!!! What a feeling.
Be blessed and good night.
Monday, January 18, 2010
The End of The Day
For sure the end has come for Michelle. She was placed in her husband's hands this afternoon in an Urn. So sad. Death is so final but, if you know Jesus it is a journey. As Michelle was being memoralized my dad was talking about his death and burial. I really don't think he wants to do the dialysis, on the other hand I know he does not want to go through the misery of being sick from his system being poisoned by the toxins in his body. What do you say to your dad?
Be blessed and good night
Be blessed and good night
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I am going to have a friend of mine take some pictures of two masks that I did years ago. One I did when I was at Mesilla Valley Hospital and the other one I did several years later. As I was thinking about the masks and taking pictures of them, I remembered a time when I was forced into having pictures taken of me that I did not want taken. Have not thought about that in a long time, funny, how certain things will set your mind in reverse.
The mind what can you say about it. It gives us the ability to function and not to "function". We all get up in the mornings and put on our clothes the same way that everyone else does and or most everyone else. We go about our daily routine and hope and pray we get through the day with no problems, so hence the mind has helped us function for that day. Then there are those days that we get up not feeling quite right. Something is bothering us, the kids are crying, the husband is yelling, then you get triggered about something in your past and your mind shuts down, you can't function seems like everything is in slow motion. The other thought is when you are getting abused your mind helps block out what is happening so you really don't function you are just there.
God has given us the ability to handle things. To handle what life gives to us. I think sometimes we don't always realize this and we jump to conclusions that someone is crazy when they say they "space out" that they were there but not there. I think we need to have more compassion.
It is a hard thing to do sometimes, to love on people with multiple issues but if we don't who will?
It is a hard thing to be alone. You can be alone in alot of differnt ways. You may have family around but are still alone. You may have great friends but are still alone and then you may have no one and are still alone. So what does one do? They walk in no one direction and they talk in no particular order. They are just there, how sad.
Be blessed and good night
The mind what can you say about it. It gives us the ability to function and not to "function". We all get up in the mornings and put on our clothes the same way that everyone else does and or most everyone else. We go about our daily routine and hope and pray we get through the day with no problems, so hence the mind has helped us function for that day. Then there are those days that we get up not feeling quite right. Something is bothering us, the kids are crying, the husband is yelling, then you get triggered about something in your past and your mind shuts down, you can't function seems like everything is in slow motion. The other thought is when you are getting abused your mind helps block out what is happening so you really don't function you are just there.
God has given us the ability to handle things. To handle what life gives to us. I think sometimes we don't always realize this and we jump to conclusions that someone is crazy when they say they "space out" that they were there but not there. I think we need to have more compassion.
It is a hard thing to do sometimes, to love on people with multiple issues but if we don't who will?
It is a hard thing to be alone. You can be alone in alot of differnt ways. You may have family around but are still alone. You may have great friends but are still alone and then you may have no one and are still alone. So what does one do? They walk in no one direction and they talk in no particular order. They are just there, how sad.
Be blessed and good night
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The End of The Day
Truly it was the end of the day for a friend and c0-worker at around 8:00 - 8:30 AM. She lost her battle with cancer after about two years. I'll miss her laugh and always getting on to us about keeping our work area clean, Michelle your in my heart today and always.
I tried praying tonight and could not, thought of God and thought of Michelle, thought of heaven and thought of Michelle and the tears came. Surely God understands our loss, His gain, our loss.
This morning as I was reading in Mark 15:16 where Jesus was being beaten before His death I thought of myself as a child being abused and I thought of Ashley being beaten, no comparrison to what Jesus went through but was thinking how bad I feel that A was beat as a child and how nothing was done about it. I know we live in a fallen world but, it so breaks my heart that we are going backwards instead of forward in trying to find some solution and or a way to slow down all this child abuse. I guess it won't end until the END.
Do you ever wonder why some people have to go through things that other people don't? why some are rich and some are poor why some are sick and some healthy? Have you ever felt that you have not done what you were born to do? Not sure where I am going with this train of thought but it is here. I guess I am thinking about death and if I were to die tonight did I do what God placed me here on earth to do?
I have escaped death several times in my 40 some odd years of life, some by natural causes and some by self inflicting ways. Why has God allowed me to stay? What am I suppose to be doing? Am I doing it my fostering A? Is it God's plan for me to write my life down and talk about forgiveness and how that is going to get one whole? I received a Christmas card from a friend back in Georgia, she was the high school counselor who wrote in the card that I made a productive life. I wrote her back and asked "have I really" somehow I don't feel as though I have.
My life is probably no different than anyone else's other than I made sure that I was NOT going to be a victim anymore, that I was going to be a survivor. That I would embrace the forgiveness concept no matter what it took. I walked through many exhausting years and if truth be told exhausted many people out along the way.
I'll end my thoughts on a good note, the Christmas dog has found a home. A friend of mine took her and is doing great.
Be blessed and good night.
I tried praying tonight and could not, thought of God and thought of Michelle, thought of heaven and thought of Michelle and the tears came. Surely God understands our loss, His gain, our loss.
This morning as I was reading in Mark 15:16 where Jesus was being beaten before His death I thought of myself as a child being abused and I thought of Ashley being beaten, no comparrison to what Jesus went through but was thinking how bad I feel that A was beat as a child and how nothing was done about it. I know we live in a fallen world but, it so breaks my heart that we are going backwards instead of forward in trying to find some solution and or a way to slow down all this child abuse. I guess it won't end until the END.
Do you ever wonder why some people have to go through things that other people don't? why some are rich and some are poor why some are sick and some healthy? Have you ever felt that you have not done what you were born to do? Not sure where I am going with this train of thought but it is here. I guess I am thinking about death and if I were to die tonight did I do what God placed me here on earth to do?
I have escaped death several times in my 40 some odd years of life, some by natural causes and some by self inflicting ways. Why has God allowed me to stay? What am I suppose to be doing? Am I doing it my fostering A? Is it God's plan for me to write my life down and talk about forgiveness and how that is going to get one whole? I received a Christmas card from a friend back in Georgia, she was the high school counselor who wrote in the card that I made a productive life. I wrote her back and asked "have I really" somehow I don't feel as though I have.
My life is probably no different than anyone else's other than I made sure that I was NOT going to be a victim anymore, that I was going to be a survivor. That I would embrace the forgiveness concept no matter what it took. I walked through many exhausting years and if truth be told exhausted many people out along the way.
I'll end my thoughts on a good note, the Christmas dog has found a home. A friend of mine took her and is doing great.
Be blessed and good night.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The End of The Day
It truly is almost the end of the day and again it will be nice to sleep in my own bed with my two dogs. House sat again last night for my friend. Her dogs are little and do well with me and they sleep on the bed just like mine do.
As I watch A sit on the couch with her "boy" friend I think back to when I was that age and younger and wanted to date and or at least go out with a guy as a friend but, was not allowed to because of my brother- in - law. He was jealous and would not let me go anywhere so I really can't tell A how it was with me. There was a guy in high school that I liked but that's as far as it went because I was afraid of what my brother-in-law would do.
I did have a boy friend in foster care but only went out with him a few times. End of the dating scene. I have often wondered how my life would have been if I had had the opportunity to date.
My Pastor was talking about healing and being whole today. You know you are whole when you can have past memories come flooding in and not have them send you in a tizzy. Thank God for healing and wholeness and forgiveness.
I had to go to Mesilla Valley Hospital a few weeks ago to make an appt. for A and I started to hyperventilate just being back in that building. Then when the appt. day came and I had to go back to the room with her it took everything in me not to let A know how nervous I was. I had flashes of when I was there and all my therapy appts. Oh boy, here we go on a journey of the emotions, let's see just how whole I am.
Be blessed and good night.
As I watch A sit on the couch with her "boy" friend I think back to when I was that age and younger and wanted to date and or at least go out with a guy as a friend but, was not allowed to because of my brother- in - law. He was jealous and would not let me go anywhere so I really can't tell A how it was with me. There was a guy in high school that I liked but that's as far as it went because I was afraid of what my brother-in-law would do.
I did have a boy friend in foster care but only went out with him a few times. End of the dating scene. I have often wondered how my life would have been if I had had the opportunity to date.
My Pastor was talking about healing and being whole today. You know you are whole when you can have past memories come flooding in and not have them send you in a tizzy. Thank God for healing and wholeness and forgiveness.
I had to go to Mesilla Valley Hospital a few weeks ago to make an appt. for A and I started to hyperventilate just being back in that building. Then when the appt. day came and I had to go back to the room with her it took everything in me not to let A know how nervous I was. I had flashes of when I was there and all my therapy appts. Oh boy, here we go on a journey of the emotions, let's see just how whole I am.
Be blessed and good night.
Friday, January 8, 2010
The End of The Day
The Christmas dog may have found a home. My friend is going to pick her up Saturday and see how she does with her other dog, hopefully it will work out.
I feel so bad that this little dog was either let out and or got out but no one has put any posters up and the one I put up no response. I think about all the kids that have been kicked out of their homes or those that have runaway from a bad homelife and no one looks for them. Out of sight out mind? God surely is looking down on these un-fortunate ones whether they be human or animals.
I don't know how it feels to really be alone but I did know how it felt to be alone. I know this statement may not make much sense but as you read my thoughts you will understand.
Be blessed and good night.
I feel so bad that this little dog was either let out and or got out but no one has put any posters up and the one I put up no response. I think about all the kids that have been kicked out of their homes or those that have runaway from a bad homelife and no one looks for them. Out of sight out mind? God surely is looking down on these un-fortunate ones whether they be human or animals.
I don't know how it feels to really be alone but I did know how it felt to be alone. I know this statement may not make much sense but as you read my thoughts you will understand.
Be blessed and good night.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The End of The Day
So how do you let someone know that God REALLY does love them and that He IS looking down on them and watching out for them? I know it is by your actions and words but when you see no progress it can become frustrating but, hold on and wait on God.
I have been looking back on my life since I have been a foster parent and wonder how in the world I survived. I also have been thinking alot about my foster family and wonder how they survived me in their home. I'm sure I gave them and my social worker a hard time. I just have to say Thank You.
My heart breaks for the broken and I pray that God will continue to let me do what I am doing. It is truly a blessing to help those in need and see the smile that comes to their face when they know they are loved and cared for. I can say from experience that it is nice to know that you are not going to hurt anymore, that someone does care. Of course being in foster care as a teen-ager is hard as you think you know it all and that you don't need anybody but it is rewarding when they finally give in and let you help them.
So this is being posted today as I let the battery run down and then I was too tired to finish my thoughts last night.
In writing this blog I am hoping to put my feelings down and gather all my "feelings" that I have elsewhere in the house in many notebooks and maybe put some order to my life in the written word. I have always wanted to do this, have started then I quit as I am too scattered in all these notebooks but, you watch 2010 I'll get it done.
My one desire is to let people know that there can be healing from anything IF there is forgiveness, true redemptive forgiveness, without it there is no real healing. My foster family told me this as I am telling my foster child but, like I said because we were and am teen-agers we don't listen, I truly hope that I can get A's attention and that she will listen and not make the same mis-takes I made. I know that may not be reasonable but I can hope.
Be blessed and good night.
I have been looking back on my life since I have been a foster parent and wonder how in the world I survived. I also have been thinking alot about my foster family and wonder how they survived me in their home. I'm sure I gave them and my social worker a hard time. I just have to say Thank You.
My heart breaks for the broken and I pray that God will continue to let me do what I am doing. It is truly a blessing to help those in need and see the smile that comes to their face when they know they are loved and cared for. I can say from experience that it is nice to know that you are not going to hurt anymore, that someone does care. Of course being in foster care as a teen-ager is hard as you think you know it all and that you don't need anybody but it is rewarding when they finally give in and let you help them.
So this is being posted today as I let the battery run down and then I was too tired to finish my thoughts last night.
In writing this blog I am hoping to put my feelings down and gather all my "feelings" that I have elsewhere in the house in many notebooks and maybe put some order to my life in the written word. I have always wanted to do this, have started then I quit as I am too scattered in all these notebooks but, you watch 2010 I'll get it done.
My one desire is to let people know that there can be healing from anything IF there is forgiveness, true redemptive forgiveness, without it there is no real healing. My foster family told me this as I am telling my foster child but, like I said because we were and am teen-agers we don't listen, I truly hope that I can get A's attention and that she will listen and not make the same mis-takes I made. I know that may not be reasonable but I can hope.
Be blessed and good night.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The End of The Day
So do you think I/we can learn a lesson from my dog Grace? She is a white husky/shepard mix and a very jealous dog. I have known her since she was 4wks and have had her since she was 6wks now she is 7yrs. I have been watching her since Christmas night when I brought home the little lost dog a Terrier/Chihuahua mix female. I have another dog Missy a black Labordor that I was dog sitting at my house and the owner never picked up. The first few months with Missy was stressful as Grace kept fighting her .A couple of times leaving wounds on Missy. For the most part now she leaves her alone unless they are playing.
Since having Baby here Grace has not growled at her, nipped at her, put her ears back, nor has she bared her teeth at her. Baby can sit in my lap and Grace does nothing but, if Missy comes over to be petted Grace is right here pushing her out of the way and or growling at her. Grace just does not like to share me with her. Baby can come up to her while she is eating and almost get into her food dish, Grace does nothing, let Missy do this and the fight is on.
Might it be that Grace knows that she is a "homeless dog" a little under weight, a dog that needs some extra attention, a small dog that would not fair well if she did snap at her?
Shouldn't it be that we as humans do the same thing? Look after the frail, sickly, lonely, homeless, the loners, the un-wanted, the un-loveable, I could go on and on. Why is it that we shy away? why do we get nervous or feel uneasy around these type of people? Could it be that we just don't know what to do or say?
As I think about this I also think about the people that took the time to help me in all my ugliness years ago. I was the little dog and several people were the Grace's.
Good night.
Since having Baby here Grace has not growled at her, nipped at her, put her ears back, nor has she bared her teeth at her. Baby can sit in my lap and Grace does nothing but, if Missy comes over to be petted Grace is right here pushing her out of the way and or growling at her. Grace just does not like to share me with her. Baby can come up to her while she is eating and almost get into her food dish, Grace does nothing, let Missy do this and the fight is on.
Might it be that Grace knows that she is a "homeless dog" a little under weight, a dog that needs some extra attention, a small dog that would not fair well if she did snap at her?
Shouldn't it be that we as humans do the same thing? Look after the frail, sickly, lonely, homeless, the loners, the un-wanted, the un-loveable, I could go on and on. Why is it that we shy away? why do we get nervous or feel uneasy around these type of people? Could it be that we just don't know what to do or say?
As I think about this I also think about the people that took the time to help me in all my ugliness years ago. I was the little dog and several people were the Grace's.
Good night.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The End of The Day
Truly it is the end of the day. Ready for a good nights sleep in my own bed with my own dogs. I do enjoy house/dog sitting but I do long for my own bed sometimes.
So I finally did something that I have longed to do but could not because I have never been blessed with kids . I took my foster daughter shopping yesterday at the mall with a friend of mine and her daughter!! You would think this would be just a simple little thing but for someone who has had to sit back and watch other women do this it has been hard, my heart has sank many times, and I have to admit I have questioned God on why I was never blessed with children but, over the years I have come to terms with being childless.
I know God has His reasons and the day will come when I will be able to understand.
Do kids ever realize that arguing with the adult gets them no where? I wonder if I was this argumentive with my own family members or my foster family? I certainly hope not.
Now that I have a kid I find myslef being more alert to things around me. I thought I was aware of my surroundings being a single woman but my senses seem to be more ALIVE now, not sure if this makes sense but it is what it is. I'm sure all parents feel the same way. I guess not all parents feel this way, if they did their kid would not be in the foster care system.
How do we help others, how do we help ourselves? We don't but God does and if we listen to Him then we can. I am so very thankful that I listened to His voice and helped myself so now I am able to help others.
Be blessed and good night.
So I finally did something that I have longed to do but could not because I have never been blessed with kids . I took my foster daughter shopping yesterday at the mall with a friend of mine and her daughter!! You would think this would be just a simple little thing but for someone who has had to sit back and watch other women do this it has been hard, my heart has sank many times, and I have to admit I have questioned God on why I was never blessed with children but, over the years I have come to terms with being childless.
I know God has His reasons and the day will come when I will be able to understand.
Do kids ever realize that arguing with the adult gets them no where? I wonder if I was this argumentive with my own family members or my foster family? I certainly hope not.
Now that I have a kid I find myslef being more alert to things around me. I thought I was aware of my surroundings being a single woman but my senses seem to be more ALIVE now, not sure if this makes sense but it is what it is. I'm sure all parents feel the same way. I guess not all parents feel this way, if they did their kid would not be in the foster care system.
How do we help others, how do we help ourselves? We don't but God does and if we listen to Him then we can. I am so very thankful that I listened to His voice and helped myself so now I am able to help others.
Be blessed and good night.
Friday, January 1, 2010
The End of The Day
Here it is a new year! one that has already brought in questions such as I wonder what's going to happen this year, or am I going to be all right, how am I going to help people, etc? The answer is that none of us knows that is the excitement in being a Christian and knowing that whatever happens you know that God has to be in it. Praying that your year will be full of whatever God wants it to be full of.
My foster kid said she was thankful for being where she is and that she will really will be thankful if she makes it through treatment foster care. She was touched by the testimonies that were given last night at church.
I am thankful that she listened.
I am learning a great deal from her. I guess being a parent you have to realize that you don't always have the answers and that sometimes the kids have the answers.
God is making my heart more tender towards the broken hearted and these dis-placed kids, so sad.
May God bless each and everyone of His followers.
My foster kid said she was thankful for being where she is and that she will really will be thankful if she makes it through treatment foster care. She was touched by the testimonies that were given last night at church.
I am thankful that she listened.
I am learning a great deal from her. I guess being a parent you have to realize that you don't always have the answers and that sometimes the kids have the answers.
God is making my heart more tender towards the broken hearted and these dis-placed kids, so sad.
May God bless each and everyone of His followers.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)