It has begun, the organizing of my life on paper. I read what I wrote so many years ago and I think what was I thinking? the problem is I really was not thinking, I was just "going through life". As I was reading some of the things I wrote they made me laugh, they made me tear up, but I did not get upset with my past. I know that I am forgiven and that I have released my abusers to God and I am whole again.
Another blogger wrote about us being whiter than snow because of the blood of Jesus and as I was growing up I always wanted to be a good "clean" girl but did not know how to go about it. Not that I was bad but just felt bad. One thing led to another and then boom everything blew up. I remember thinking that there was no light at the end of the tunnel but as the days, months and years went by I started to see a little light and of course now there surely is a Big Light at that end of the tunnel. The little child is white as snow.
Be blessed and good night.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The End of The Day
Love having great friends, thanks Carolyn. The organization of my life has begun. What a undertaking but it needs to be done, hopefully it will help someone.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
The End of The Day
When life hands you lemons do you make lemonade or do you pucker up? I have done both. I would rather make lemonade all the time but, because I am human I know this is not possible. Am getting better at not puckering up as often as I did so that's good. I am learning how to handle the "lemons" as I get older.
I do know it is because of Jesus and His compassion towards me. He so desperately wants to heal His children. Now that I am no longer a victim I see the hurt in people and want to make them get well but it has to be on their own terms and in their own time. I tell A this but she just looks at me, hopefully something is sinking in and her time with me with not be in vain.
Be blessed and good night
I do know it is because of Jesus and His compassion towards me. He so desperately wants to heal His children. Now that I am no longer a victim I see the hurt in people and want to make them get well but it has to be on their own terms and in their own time. I tell A this but she just looks at me, hopefully something is sinking in and her time with me with not be in vain.
Be blessed and good night
Thursday, January 21, 2010
The End of The Day
As I was praying the other day Tuesday I ask God to help me keep my heart clean, to keep it pure and to keep it soft. I had a memory of a few years back when I was at an Aglow meeting, I don't remember who the speaker was but, I do remember her asking us to shut our eyes and welcome Jesus into our hearts. She asked us to open the door to our hearts so that Jesus could walk in. I remember wanting to then I just got mad and said NO because of what was allowed to happen to me as a child so it was as if I was on the inside of my heart holding onto the door so no one could open it from either side.
I told Jesus Tuesday that I don't ever want to go back to that place again in my life and that I was thankful that I eventually opened that door and let Him soften my heart.
That morning also the neighbor behind me was getting his tree trimmed back and I thought about John 15:1-8. I prayed that I would not be one of those branches that were being cut from the tree. I wondered how many Christians are falling away, how many have not yet connected to the tree and how many are hanging on. I know that I so want to bear fruit and do good and have Jesus in me forever.
There is so much uncertainty in the world today that my prayer is that people will start to look up instead of just shrugging their shoulders and going on.
What makes a good parent? A said that I was not being a parent to her because I will not her "boy friend" come over during the week. She said other parents do and that her bio Mom when they lived together let her boyfriend come over. I certainly don't have any right answers but I do know that she needs structure and that she can't always get her way when she is not keeping up with her grades, so what is one to do.
I think back to when I was in foster care but I had no boy friend and had no girl friends either so I did not have anybody to ask over,and when I lived with my sister I would not dare ask to have a boy friend over as my brother-in-law would have had a fit. I wanted to but just kept who I liked at school to myself and only talked to him at school and invited no one to the house. Well ok two friends of mine would come over sometimes, Tracie and Sandra but not very often because of my brother-in-law.
I was always at Sandra's house and several times we would just take off walking and come home whenever. Not sure why she wanted to go but I just did not want to be at the house. What a mess back then. Thank God I was able to forgive the past and let it be in the past.
My friend photographed the masks I did and they came out great so hopefully when I get my life in order on paper these pictures will copy good. It is a bit intimidating knowing that maybe there will be a group of people reading and looking at pictures of your life. I wonder how I will feel once it is done. I know I need to do this. Even if one person reads it and forgives wholeheartedly and can move on then I know I did the right thing.
What an up hill battle one has once they take the first step to recovery. Baby steps at first then smaller steps then your walking then your sprinting and you finally get a glimpse of the finish line then one day you are running towards that finish line and eventually you cross over, YEA !!!!! What a feeling.
Be blessed and good night.
I told Jesus Tuesday that I don't ever want to go back to that place again in my life and that I was thankful that I eventually opened that door and let Him soften my heart.
That morning also the neighbor behind me was getting his tree trimmed back and I thought about John 15:1-8. I prayed that I would not be one of those branches that were being cut from the tree. I wondered how many Christians are falling away, how many have not yet connected to the tree and how many are hanging on. I know that I so want to bear fruit and do good and have Jesus in me forever.
There is so much uncertainty in the world today that my prayer is that people will start to look up instead of just shrugging their shoulders and going on.
What makes a good parent? A said that I was not being a parent to her because I will not her "boy friend" come over during the week. She said other parents do and that her bio Mom when they lived together let her boyfriend come over. I certainly don't have any right answers but I do know that she needs structure and that she can't always get her way when she is not keeping up with her grades, so what is one to do.
I think back to when I was in foster care but I had no boy friend and had no girl friends either so I did not have anybody to ask over,and when I lived with my sister I would not dare ask to have a boy friend over as my brother-in-law would have had a fit. I wanted to but just kept who I liked at school to myself and only talked to him at school and invited no one to the house. Well ok two friends of mine would come over sometimes, Tracie and Sandra but not very often because of my brother-in-law.
I was always at Sandra's house and several times we would just take off walking and come home whenever. Not sure why she wanted to go but I just did not want to be at the house. What a mess back then. Thank God I was able to forgive the past and let it be in the past.
My friend photographed the masks I did and they came out great so hopefully when I get my life in order on paper these pictures will copy good. It is a bit intimidating knowing that maybe there will be a group of people reading and looking at pictures of your life. I wonder how I will feel once it is done. I know I need to do this. Even if one person reads it and forgives wholeheartedly and can move on then I know I did the right thing.
What an up hill battle one has once they take the first step to recovery. Baby steps at first then smaller steps then your walking then your sprinting and you finally get a glimpse of the finish line then one day you are running towards that finish line and eventually you cross over, YEA !!!!! What a feeling.
Be blessed and good night.
Monday, January 18, 2010
The End of The Day
For sure the end has come for Michelle. She was placed in her husband's hands this afternoon in an Urn. So sad. Death is so final but, if you know Jesus it is a journey. As Michelle was being memoralized my dad was talking about his death and burial. I really don't think he wants to do the dialysis, on the other hand I know he does not want to go through the misery of being sick from his system being poisoned by the toxins in his body. What do you say to your dad?
Be blessed and good night
Be blessed and good night
Thursday, January 14, 2010
I am going to have a friend of mine take some pictures of two masks that I did years ago. One I did when I was at Mesilla Valley Hospital and the other one I did several years later. As I was thinking about the masks and taking pictures of them, I remembered a time when I was forced into having pictures taken of me that I did not want taken. Have not thought about that in a long time, funny, how certain things will set your mind in reverse.
The mind what can you say about it. It gives us the ability to function and not to "function". We all get up in the mornings and put on our clothes the same way that everyone else does and or most everyone else. We go about our daily routine and hope and pray we get through the day with no problems, so hence the mind has helped us function for that day. Then there are those days that we get up not feeling quite right. Something is bothering us, the kids are crying, the husband is yelling, then you get triggered about something in your past and your mind shuts down, you can't function seems like everything is in slow motion. The other thought is when you are getting abused your mind helps block out what is happening so you really don't function you are just there.
God has given us the ability to handle things. To handle what life gives to us. I think sometimes we don't always realize this and we jump to conclusions that someone is crazy when they say they "space out" that they were there but not there. I think we need to have more compassion.
It is a hard thing to do sometimes, to love on people with multiple issues but if we don't who will?
It is a hard thing to be alone. You can be alone in alot of differnt ways. You may have family around but are still alone. You may have great friends but are still alone and then you may have no one and are still alone. So what does one do? They walk in no one direction and they talk in no particular order. They are just there, how sad.
Be blessed and good night
The mind what can you say about it. It gives us the ability to function and not to "function". We all get up in the mornings and put on our clothes the same way that everyone else does and or most everyone else. We go about our daily routine and hope and pray we get through the day with no problems, so hence the mind has helped us function for that day. Then there are those days that we get up not feeling quite right. Something is bothering us, the kids are crying, the husband is yelling, then you get triggered about something in your past and your mind shuts down, you can't function seems like everything is in slow motion. The other thought is when you are getting abused your mind helps block out what is happening so you really don't function you are just there.
God has given us the ability to handle things. To handle what life gives to us. I think sometimes we don't always realize this and we jump to conclusions that someone is crazy when they say they "space out" that they were there but not there. I think we need to have more compassion.
It is a hard thing to do sometimes, to love on people with multiple issues but if we don't who will?
It is a hard thing to be alone. You can be alone in alot of differnt ways. You may have family around but are still alone. You may have great friends but are still alone and then you may have no one and are still alone. So what does one do? They walk in no one direction and they talk in no particular order. They are just there, how sad.
Be blessed and good night
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The End of The Day
Truly it was the end of the day for a friend and c0-worker at around 8:00 - 8:30 AM. She lost her battle with cancer after about two years. I'll miss her laugh and always getting on to us about keeping our work area clean, Michelle your in my heart today and always.
I tried praying tonight and could not, thought of God and thought of Michelle, thought of heaven and thought of Michelle and the tears came. Surely God understands our loss, His gain, our loss.
This morning as I was reading in Mark 15:16 where Jesus was being beaten before His death I thought of myself as a child being abused and I thought of Ashley being beaten, no comparrison to what Jesus went through but was thinking how bad I feel that A was beat as a child and how nothing was done about it. I know we live in a fallen world but, it so breaks my heart that we are going backwards instead of forward in trying to find some solution and or a way to slow down all this child abuse. I guess it won't end until the END.
Do you ever wonder why some people have to go through things that other people don't? why some are rich and some are poor why some are sick and some healthy? Have you ever felt that you have not done what you were born to do? Not sure where I am going with this train of thought but it is here. I guess I am thinking about death and if I were to die tonight did I do what God placed me here on earth to do?
I have escaped death several times in my 40 some odd years of life, some by natural causes and some by self inflicting ways. Why has God allowed me to stay? What am I suppose to be doing? Am I doing it my fostering A? Is it God's plan for me to write my life down and talk about forgiveness and how that is going to get one whole? I received a Christmas card from a friend back in Georgia, she was the high school counselor who wrote in the card that I made a productive life. I wrote her back and asked "have I really" somehow I don't feel as though I have.
My life is probably no different than anyone else's other than I made sure that I was NOT going to be a victim anymore, that I was going to be a survivor. That I would embrace the forgiveness concept no matter what it took. I walked through many exhausting years and if truth be told exhausted many people out along the way.
I'll end my thoughts on a good note, the Christmas dog has found a home. A friend of mine took her and is doing great.
Be blessed and good night.
I tried praying tonight and could not, thought of God and thought of Michelle, thought of heaven and thought of Michelle and the tears came. Surely God understands our loss, His gain, our loss.
This morning as I was reading in Mark 15:16 where Jesus was being beaten before His death I thought of myself as a child being abused and I thought of Ashley being beaten, no comparrison to what Jesus went through but was thinking how bad I feel that A was beat as a child and how nothing was done about it. I know we live in a fallen world but, it so breaks my heart that we are going backwards instead of forward in trying to find some solution and or a way to slow down all this child abuse. I guess it won't end until the END.
Do you ever wonder why some people have to go through things that other people don't? why some are rich and some are poor why some are sick and some healthy? Have you ever felt that you have not done what you were born to do? Not sure where I am going with this train of thought but it is here. I guess I am thinking about death and if I were to die tonight did I do what God placed me here on earth to do?
I have escaped death several times in my 40 some odd years of life, some by natural causes and some by self inflicting ways. Why has God allowed me to stay? What am I suppose to be doing? Am I doing it my fostering A? Is it God's plan for me to write my life down and talk about forgiveness and how that is going to get one whole? I received a Christmas card from a friend back in Georgia, she was the high school counselor who wrote in the card that I made a productive life. I wrote her back and asked "have I really" somehow I don't feel as though I have.
My life is probably no different than anyone else's other than I made sure that I was NOT going to be a victim anymore, that I was going to be a survivor. That I would embrace the forgiveness concept no matter what it took. I walked through many exhausting years and if truth be told exhausted many people out along the way.
I'll end my thoughts on a good note, the Christmas dog has found a home. A friend of mine took her and is doing great.
Be blessed and good night.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
The End of The Day
It truly is almost the end of the day and again it will be nice to sleep in my own bed with my two dogs. House sat again last night for my friend. Her dogs are little and do well with me and they sleep on the bed just like mine do.
As I watch A sit on the couch with her "boy" friend I think back to when I was that age and younger and wanted to date and or at least go out with a guy as a friend but, was not allowed to because of my brother- in - law. He was jealous and would not let me go anywhere so I really can't tell A how it was with me. There was a guy in high school that I liked but that's as far as it went because I was afraid of what my brother-in-law would do.
I did have a boy friend in foster care but only went out with him a few times. End of the dating scene. I have often wondered how my life would have been if I had had the opportunity to date.
My Pastor was talking about healing and being whole today. You know you are whole when you can have past memories come flooding in and not have them send you in a tizzy. Thank God for healing and wholeness and forgiveness.
I had to go to Mesilla Valley Hospital a few weeks ago to make an appt. for A and I started to hyperventilate just being back in that building. Then when the appt. day came and I had to go back to the room with her it took everything in me not to let A know how nervous I was. I had flashes of when I was there and all my therapy appts. Oh boy, here we go on a journey of the emotions, let's see just how whole I am.
Be blessed and good night.
As I watch A sit on the couch with her "boy" friend I think back to when I was that age and younger and wanted to date and or at least go out with a guy as a friend but, was not allowed to because of my brother- in - law. He was jealous and would not let me go anywhere so I really can't tell A how it was with me. There was a guy in high school that I liked but that's as far as it went because I was afraid of what my brother-in-law would do.
I did have a boy friend in foster care but only went out with him a few times. End of the dating scene. I have often wondered how my life would have been if I had had the opportunity to date.
My Pastor was talking about healing and being whole today. You know you are whole when you can have past memories come flooding in and not have them send you in a tizzy. Thank God for healing and wholeness and forgiveness.
I had to go to Mesilla Valley Hospital a few weeks ago to make an appt. for A and I started to hyperventilate just being back in that building. Then when the appt. day came and I had to go back to the room with her it took everything in me not to let A know how nervous I was. I had flashes of when I was there and all my therapy appts. Oh boy, here we go on a journey of the emotions, let's see just how whole I am.
Be blessed and good night.
Friday, January 8, 2010
The End of The Day
The Christmas dog may have found a home. My friend is going to pick her up Saturday and see how she does with her other dog, hopefully it will work out.
I feel so bad that this little dog was either let out and or got out but no one has put any posters up and the one I put up no response. I think about all the kids that have been kicked out of their homes or those that have runaway from a bad homelife and no one looks for them. Out of sight out mind? God surely is looking down on these un-fortunate ones whether they be human or animals.
I don't know how it feels to really be alone but I did know how it felt to be alone. I know this statement may not make much sense but as you read my thoughts you will understand.
Be blessed and good night.
I feel so bad that this little dog was either let out and or got out but no one has put any posters up and the one I put up no response. I think about all the kids that have been kicked out of their homes or those that have runaway from a bad homelife and no one looks for them. Out of sight out mind? God surely is looking down on these un-fortunate ones whether they be human or animals.
I don't know how it feels to really be alone but I did know how it felt to be alone. I know this statement may not make much sense but as you read my thoughts you will understand.
Be blessed and good night.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
The End of The Day
So how do you let someone know that God REALLY does love them and that He IS looking down on them and watching out for them? I know it is by your actions and words but when you see no progress it can become frustrating but, hold on and wait on God.
I have been looking back on my life since I have been a foster parent and wonder how in the world I survived. I also have been thinking alot about my foster family and wonder how they survived me in their home. I'm sure I gave them and my social worker a hard time. I just have to say Thank You.
My heart breaks for the broken and I pray that God will continue to let me do what I am doing. It is truly a blessing to help those in need and see the smile that comes to their face when they know they are loved and cared for. I can say from experience that it is nice to know that you are not going to hurt anymore, that someone does care. Of course being in foster care as a teen-ager is hard as you think you know it all and that you don't need anybody but it is rewarding when they finally give in and let you help them.
So this is being posted today as I let the battery run down and then I was too tired to finish my thoughts last night.
In writing this blog I am hoping to put my feelings down and gather all my "feelings" that I have elsewhere in the house in many notebooks and maybe put some order to my life in the written word. I have always wanted to do this, have started then I quit as I am too scattered in all these notebooks but, you watch 2010 I'll get it done.
My one desire is to let people know that there can be healing from anything IF there is forgiveness, true redemptive forgiveness, without it there is no real healing. My foster family told me this as I am telling my foster child but, like I said because we were and am teen-agers we don't listen, I truly hope that I can get A's attention and that she will listen and not make the same mis-takes I made. I know that may not be reasonable but I can hope.
Be blessed and good night.
I have been looking back on my life since I have been a foster parent and wonder how in the world I survived. I also have been thinking alot about my foster family and wonder how they survived me in their home. I'm sure I gave them and my social worker a hard time. I just have to say Thank You.
My heart breaks for the broken and I pray that God will continue to let me do what I am doing. It is truly a blessing to help those in need and see the smile that comes to their face when they know they are loved and cared for. I can say from experience that it is nice to know that you are not going to hurt anymore, that someone does care. Of course being in foster care as a teen-ager is hard as you think you know it all and that you don't need anybody but it is rewarding when they finally give in and let you help them.
So this is being posted today as I let the battery run down and then I was too tired to finish my thoughts last night.
In writing this blog I am hoping to put my feelings down and gather all my "feelings" that I have elsewhere in the house in many notebooks and maybe put some order to my life in the written word. I have always wanted to do this, have started then I quit as I am too scattered in all these notebooks but, you watch 2010 I'll get it done.
My one desire is to let people know that there can be healing from anything IF there is forgiveness, true redemptive forgiveness, without it there is no real healing. My foster family told me this as I am telling my foster child but, like I said because we were and am teen-agers we don't listen, I truly hope that I can get A's attention and that she will listen and not make the same mis-takes I made. I know that may not be reasonable but I can hope.
Be blessed and good night.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The End of The Day
So do you think I/we can learn a lesson from my dog Grace? She is a white husky/shepard mix and a very jealous dog. I have known her since she was 4wks and have had her since she was 6wks now she is 7yrs. I have been watching her since Christmas night when I brought home the little lost dog a Terrier/Chihuahua mix female. I have another dog Missy a black Labordor that I was dog sitting at my house and the owner never picked up. The first few months with Missy was stressful as Grace kept fighting her .A couple of times leaving wounds on Missy. For the most part now she leaves her alone unless they are playing.
Since having Baby here Grace has not growled at her, nipped at her, put her ears back, nor has she bared her teeth at her. Baby can sit in my lap and Grace does nothing but, if Missy comes over to be petted Grace is right here pushing her out of the way and or growling at her. Grace just does not like to share me with her. Baby can come up to her while she is eating and almost get into her food dish, Grace does nothing, let Missy do this and the fight is on.
Might it be that Grace knows that she is a "homeless dog" a little under weight, a dog that needs some extra attention, a small dog that would not fair well if she did snap at her?
Shouldn't it be that we as humans do the same thing? Look after the frail, sickly, lonely, homeless, the loners, the un-wanted, the un-loveable, I could go on and on. Why is it that we shy away? why do we get nervous or feel uneasy around these type of people? Could it be that we just don't know what to do or say?
As I think about this I also think about the people that took the time to help me in all my ugliness years ago. I was the little dog and several people were the Grace's.
Good night.
Since having Baby here Grace has not growled at her, nipped at her, put her ears back, nor has she bared her teeth at her. Baby can sit in my lap and Grace does nothing but, if Missy comes over to be petted Grace is right here pushing her out of the way and or growling at her. Grace just does not like to share me with her. Baby can come up to her while she is eating and almost get into her food dish, Grace does nothing, let Missy do this and the fight is on.
Might it be that Grace knows that she is a "homeless dog" a little under weight, a dog that needs some extra attention, a small dog that would not fair well if she did snap at her?
Shouldn't it be that we as humans do the same thing? Look after the frail, sickly, lonely, homeless, the loners, the un-wanted, the un-loveable, I could go on and on. Why is it that we shy away? why do we get nervous or feel uneasy around these type of people? Could it be that we just don't know what to do or say?
As I think about this I also think about the people that took the time to help me in all my ugliness years ago. I was the little dog and several people were the Grace's.
Good night.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
The End of The Day
Truly it is the end of the day. Ready for a good nights sleep in my own bed with my own dogs. I do enjoy house/dog sitting but I do long for my own bed sometimes.
So I finally did something that I have longed to do but could not because I have never been blessed with kids . I took my foster daughter shopping yesterday at the mall with a friend of mine and her daughter!! You would think this would be just a simple little thing but for someone who has had to sit back and watch other women do this it has been hard, my heart has sank many times, and I have to admit I have questioned God on why I was never blessed with children but, over the years I have come to terms with being childless.
I know God has His reasons and the day will come when I will be able to understand.
Do kids ever realize that arguing with the adult gets them no where? I wonder if I was this argumentive with my own family members or my foster family? I certainly hope not.
Now that I have a kid I find myslef being more alert to things around me. I thought I was aware of my surroundings being a single woman but my senses seem to be more ALIVE now, not sure if this makes sense but it is what it is. I'm sure all parents feel the same way. I guess not all parents feel this way, if they did their kid would not be in the foster care system.
How do we help others, how do we help ourselves? We don't but God does and if we listen to Him then we can. I am so very thankful that I listened to His voice and helped myself so now I am able to help others.
Be blessed and good night.
So I finally did something that I have longed to do but could not because I have never been blessed with kids . I took my foster daughter shopping yesterday at the mall with a friend of mine and her daughter!! You would think this would be just a simple little thing but for someone who has had to sit back and watch other women do this it has been hard, my heart has sank many times, and I have to admit I have questioned God on why I was never blessed with children but, over the years I have come to terms with being childless.
I know God has His reasons and the day will come when I will be able to understand.
Do kids ever realize that arguing with the adult gets them no where? I wonder if I was this argumentive with my own family members or my foster family? I certainly hope not.
Now that I have a kid I find myslef being more alert to things around me. I thought I was aware of my surroundings being a single woman but my senses seem to be more ALIVE now, not sure if this makes sense but it is what it is. I'm sure all parents feel the same way. I guess not all parents feel this way, if they did their kid would not be in the foster care system.
How do we help others, how do we help ourselves? We don't but God does and if we listen to Him then we can. I am so very thankful that I listened to His voice and helped myself so now I am able to help others.
Be blessed and good night.
Friday, January 1, 2010
The End of The Day
Here it is a new year! one that has already brought in questions such as I wonder what's going to happen this year, or am I going to be all right, how am I going to help people, etc? The answer is that none of us knows that is the excitement in being a Christian and knowing that whatever happens you know that God has to be in it. Praying that your year will be full of whatever God wants it to be full of.
My foster kid said she was thankful for being where she is and that she will really will be thankful if she makes it through treatment foster care. She was touched by the testimonies that were given last night at church.
I am thankful that she listened.
I am learning a great deal from her. I guess being a parent you have to realize that you don't always have the answers and that sometimes the kids have the answers.
God is making my heart more tender towards the broken hearted and these dis-placed kids, so sad.
May God bless each and everyone of His followers.
My foster kid said she was thankful for being where she is and that she will really will be thankful if she makes it through treatment foster care. She was touched by the testimonies that were given last night at church.
I am thankful that she listened.
I am learning a great deal from her. I guess being a parent you have to realize that you don't always have the answers and that sometimes the kids have the answers.
God is making my heart more tender towards the broken hearted and these dis-placed kids, so sad.
May God bless each and everyone of His followers.
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