Well as I think about getting older I think that I have not done a thing I have set out to do. How sad is this. Not sure why either.
I thought I would be married have children grow old together and hopefully have the kids look after us. Thought I would have had a career with good pay, not in debt, good health, etc.
The only thing I have on my side is my Jesus and my four legged babies.
Right now I am divorced, no kids , no career, just cleaning a house and companionship for an elderly man. On the brink of losing my home and not knowing where to go, having to give up my dogs and my cat to ?.
My thought is , this sucks.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Sunday, June 20, 2010
The End of The Day
My dear friend Carolyn is slipping away. Saw her last Sunday and she was sitting on the couch, had some make-up on and smiled. Told her several people asked about her and that made her smile. She was looking a bit jaundice and now as of Friday her complexion is getting more yellow. Starting to retain water now and losing more weight, not forming words,etc.
I just pray that God will take her home soon. Bruce is starting to wear down also now.
A is being stubborn and hurting herself as she is not drinking enough water and not eating. Been telling her that she needs to drink more, really ever since I got her have been after her to drink water now it is catching up with her as she has a UTI, and dehydrated and the back pain is her kidneys hurting. She won't do what any of us are asking her to do she is sabbatoging her health. I find myself not having much compassion for her as she is not helping herself. She has medication she can take to help settle her stomach so she can eat but she refuses, chooses to lay in bed and complain.
Went to bed last night and wept. Wept for my friend and for myself. So trying to have faith that God is going to release my finances and not let me lose my home or my truck. Played several scenes over in my head about being a homeless person or how could I walk away from everything and live off the earth. Sounds funny doesn't it. The reality of this is around the corner if God does not send more kids to the Bair office and place one with me and allow me to find a part time job. Did not think I would be in this situation again, thought I would have enough money to pay my bills and have some to take the kids out and do things with them but since I don't have my part time job at RGMG as of this writing I am in a world of hurt.
I feel I am suppose to be a foster parent but maybe I missed the mark. My thought is I will try to work full time, rent my spare bedroom and go through CYFD, regular foster care. I will need to rent a room as I don't think I will start off at a high rate of pay like I was getting at RGMG so will need enough money to pay my bills.
Good night and be blessed
I just pray that God will take her home soon. Bruce is starting to wear down also now.
A is being stubborn and hurting herself as she is not drinking enough water and not eating. Been telling her that she needs to drink more, really ever since I got her have been after her to drink water now it is catching up with her as she has a UTI, and dehydrated and the back pain is her kidneys hurting. She won't do what any of us are asking her to do she is sabbatoging her health. I find myself not having much compassion for her as she is not helping herself. She has medication she can take to help settle her stomach so she can eat but she refuses, chooses to lay in bed and complain.
Went to bed last night and wept. Wept for my friend and for myself. So trying to have faith that God is going to release my finances and not let me lose my home or my truck. Played several scenes over in my head about being a homeless person or how could I walk away from everything and live off the earth. Sounds funny doesn't it. The reality of this is around the corner if God does not send more kids to the Bair office and place one with me and allow me to find a part time job. Did not think I would be in this situation again, thought I would have enough money to pay my bills and have some to take the kids out and do things with them but since I don't have my part time job at RGMG as of this writing I am in a world of hurt.
I feel I am suppose to be a foster parent but maybe I missed the mark. My thought is I will try to work full time, rent my spare bedroom and go through CYFD, regular foster care. I will need to rent a room as I don't think I will start off at a high rate of pay like I was getting at RGMG so will need enough money to pay my bills.
Good night and be blessed
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
The End of The Day
Not the end of the day as of yet, just thought I would add a line or two since I have not written anything in a long time. Rought going with my foster daughter there for awhile, she decided she wanted to start smoking the weed again and popping whatever she could get her hands on for free so streeful days not knowing if she was going back to jail or back to rehab. Probabtion officer did put her in jail over the week-end in May for being positive for marijuana and pcp.
Her attitiude is so what. Unless she wants to quit we can't help her.
She has been with me a year now, that is progress as she has run within months of being placed in other foster homes.
I myself am trying not to worry about finances, looking for a part time job, praying that I can get another child but none are coming in, that is a hoot as when I signed up several people kept telling me that there are so many kids and not enough parents, well are parents are going back to job hunting full time as we are not getting the kids in and this is where I am I may have to go back to work somewhere full time, won't make what I was so don't know if I will lose my home or not or be able to keep the bills up.
Wish I knew that were was a lack of kids before I quit my full time good paying job.
Her attitiude is so what. Unless she wants to quit we can't help her.
She has been with me a year now, that is progress as she has run within months of being placed in other foster homes.
I myself am trying not to worry about finances, looking for a part time job, praying that I can get another child but none are coming in, that is a hoot as when I signed up several people kept telling me that there are so many kids and not enough parents, well are parents are going back to job hunting full time as we are not getting the kids in and this is where I am I may have to go back to work somewhere full time, won't make what I was so don't know if I will lose my home or not or be able to keep the bills up.
Wish I knew that were was a lack of kids before I quit my full time good paying job.
Monday, May 10, 2010
The End of The Day
Well I am at a loss for words for my foster daughter. She still is doing things to get into trouble and she knows full well that it is the end of the line for her if she gets caught using and or having a dirty urine test.
I am now escorting her to and from class until the end of school, thank good ness it is for only two weeks. No gratitude for anything I do, I wonder if other kids treat their parents like Ashley treats me? Not even a Happy Foster Parent Day from her.
Today was a intersting day. I think she took something from a kid at school then pop it in her mouth, but of course she denied it. Then tonight yelling and using the F word at me, then stormed off to her room. She calls her social worker and tells her that she doesn't like all these rules but she won't take any responsibility for her actions, she has brought all this upon herself and she does not see this. How do you make her see it.
Goodnight and be blessed
I am now escorting her to and from class until the end of school, thank good ness it is for only two weeks. No gratitude for anything I do, I wonder if other kids treat their parents like Ashley treats me? Not even a Happy Foster Parent Day from her.
Today was a intersting day. I think she took something from a kid at school then pop it in her mouth, but of course she denied it. Then tonight yelling and using the F word at me, then stormed off to her room. She calls her social worker and tells her that she doesn't like all these rules but she won't take any responsibility for her actions, she has brought all this upon herself and she does not see this. How do you make her see it.
Goodnight and be blessed
Friday, May 7, 2010
The End of The Day
I'm helping someone who does not want to help herself. When do you know when to give up? I know A is only 17 and may not have the ability to know the difference and how to say NO but then I say to myself she knows full well what she is doing.
I finally looked up and let God take full charge of my life and my healing. I know this is what A needs but she has not confessed her sins and accepted Him into her heart so until she does, and she knows she needs to, it will be hard for her to give up the using.
My emotions are all over the place. I am scared for her. I don't want her to fail, I want to do what I can, but she needs to do things for herself also for me to continue giving 100%.
The Jackson's got moved in next door on the first and all went well. Carolyn was wiped out but rested. Did not make it to church Sunday but that's OK. Have tried to help her un-pack but just have not been able, plus Carolyn and Bruce have not been home and or they are napping.
I just pray that my friend does not suffer.
I see the door to the old house clearer and clearer in my mind. I do not want to open it as I know what is behind it,filth,vulgarities,fear,sadness, do I need to go on. I hear the screams coming out from that house but can't go near it, not now.
Good night and be blessed.
I finally looked up and let God take full charge of my life and my healing. I know this is what A needs but she has not confessed her sins and accepted Him into her heart so until she does, and she knows she needs to, it will be hard for her to give up the using.
My emotions are all over the place. I am scared for her. I don't want her to fail, I want to do what I can, but she needs to do things for herself also for me to continue giving 100%.
The Jackson's got moved in next door on the first and all went well. Carolyn was wiped out but rested. Did not make it to church Sunday but that's OK. Have tried to help her un-pack but just have not been able, plus Carolyn and Bruce have not been home and or they are napping.
I just pray that my friend does not suffer.
I see the door to the old house clearer and clearer in my mind. I do not want to open it as I know what is behind it,filth,vulgarities,fear,sadness, do I need to go on. I hear the screams coming out from that house but can't go near it, not now.
Good night and be blessed.
Monday, April 26, 2010
The End of The Day
Nothing like a hard day of work be it physical or just plain busy doing errands. Love being outside doing yard work, the sun in your face, getting dirty and sweaty. Your hands hurt from the shovel or the rake or the pruning shears, whatever your tool or tools of choice. The kicker is my hip and knee and of course the back can't take much of this over a long period of time so have to take several breaks but I eventually get things done.
Thinking today about this foster care. I may end up going back to work and changing companies to the CYFD agency which is regular foster care as treatment care, at least with the Bair Foundation is becoming like a prison. They say line of sight 24/7 which I understand out in the open, but at your own home having to follow the kids everywhere and not being able to go outside without them out with you. What if the kid does not want to go outside for an hour or so while you are doing the yard work, then you don't do it. How does it get done?
I seem frustrated but this just does not seem right. The parents need to get things done and some of us are single so it makes it hard. I have committed to keeping A until her treatments for a medical condition is over that will be when she is 18 so I'll see how things go over the next nine months and then decide.
I can't get writing out of my head but when I sit to write or type nothing comes out. I think of things all day to write about life about my life but I get stuck when it comes time to put pen to paper. I really want to write about my life and the lessons I have learned and hopefully help someone else. Maybe one day the writers block will go away.
Good night and be blessed
Thinking today about this foster care. I may end up going back to work and changing companies to the CYFD agency which is regular foster care as treatment care, at least with the Bair Foundation is becoming like a prison. They say line of sight 24/7 which I understand out in the open, but at your own home having to follow the kids everywhere and not being able to go outside without them out with you. What if the kid does not want to go outside for an hour or so while you are doing the yard work, then you don't do it. How does it get done?
I seem frustrated but this just does not seem right. The parents need to get things done and some of us are single so it makes it hard. I have committed to keeping A until her treatments for a medical condition is over that will be when she is 18 so I'll see how things go over the next nine months and then decide.
I can't get writing out of my head but when I sit to write or type nothing comes out. I think of things all day to write about life about my life but I get stuck when it comes time to put pen to paper. I really want to write about my life and the lessons I have learned and hopefully help someone else. Maybe one day the writers block will go away.
Good night and be blessed
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The End of The Day
"I have decided not to do anymore chemotherapy", my friend tells me on Saturday. I knew this would be sooner than later, I guess I was thinking,hoping it would not be this soon though. She says she feels better now that she has made a decesion. Why such a hard disease for her?
I have to be honest, I have thought it should be me. I have no kids to watch grow up, so therefore no grandkids, I have no husband to leave behind, my dad and Melba would probably follow close behind me in death, my brothers and sister would would miss me, I would hope but they would be happy that I would be with the Lord. My friend has a husband and kids and grandkids to watch live their lives,plus a husband who adores her, she should be the one to stay.
A is doing OK. Not sure if the problems she hasn't gotten herself in has had a impact on her yet. I pray that she will learn from this. Only she can help herself, I can try to steer her in the right direction, but it is ultimately up to her.
I so enjoy being outside working in the yard with my Grace beside me. A girl and her dog, what can be better than this. My Missy watches from the window as she will take off if not on a leash. I take her out sometimes and put her where she can see me and she just lies down and watches. She balances me and Grace.
Good night and be blessed.
I have to be honest, I have thought it should be me. I have no kids to watch grow up, so therefore no grandkids, I have no husband to leave behind, my dad and Melba would probably follow close behind me in death, my brothers and sister would would miss me, I would hope but they would be happy that I would be with the Lord. My friend has a husband and kids and grandkids to watch live their lives,plus a husband who adores her, she should be the one to stay.
A is doing OK. Not sure if the problems she hasn't gotten herself in has had a impact on her yet. I pray that she will learn from this. Only she can help herself, I can try to steer her in the right direction, but it is ultimately up to her.
I so enjoy being outside working in the yard with my Grace beside me. A girl and her dog, what can be better than this. My Missy watches from the window as she will take off if not on a leash. I take her out sometimes and put her where she can see me and she just lies down and watches. She balances me and Grace.
Good night and be blessed.
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